You know, life just keeps going and sometimes you have to consciously make a choice to live in it. That's where I've been lately. Some weeks I want to let myself lay around and lick my wounds and use all the very valid excuses I have for not being an active participant in this life. That's not me though. I may want to do that, but it's not in me to. I've always held onto an ounce of hope no matter the circumstances and it remains that way even to this day. Hope keeps me alive literally.
Sometimes I have great hope but a lot of times it's just an ounce. You know the passage that talks about faith as the grain of a mustard seed. A grain is not a lot of seed. Hope and faith are pretty closely knit together I think. I like this definition of hope: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust. And I like this one for faith: strong or unshakable belief in something, esp without proof or evidence. I love that both definitions deal with believing. Believing: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. In other words, the act of believing is a choice you make. You decide to believe or not. You also get to decide whether to have hope and faith. It is a choice we make. Knowing that it's my choice puts it in perspective for me. Nothing like having the ball in your court.
I've never been one for excuses. I've always been the "buck stops here" kind of personality. It's been to a fault in that I sometimes, many times, take the blame for things that are clearly not in my control to manage. I've been through a lot in my lifetime. I've been greatly disappointed and let down by people I love. I've disappointed and failed myself, let people down, and saw dreams crushed and became disillusioned. We all have at some point, haven't we? I mean, it's life. It's what happens. It's part of humanity. So, what do we do with that? We have to make a choice, that's what. Life goes on with or without us. We can sit and let it go on while we waste away in misery, or we can reach within ourselves and grab any semblance of hope and faith to help us begin again.
That's a choice I make regularly. I've lost a child and I'm not even 40 yet. I've had three beautiful children and one of them has passed through this life before me. It's not easy folks. It's a heartache like none I can even begin to describe to you. My life as I knew it died with Hannah. I can't go back to the Marcey I was before Hannah. She's long gone. The Marcey I was with Hannah is long gone as well. I either die or I create a new Marcey. Not many people will understand that because unless you have been there it's just not something you can fathom. All the old pieces are still there but they have new roles in my new life. They do not play the role they once did. Recreation makes people uncomfortable. They get used to the way things are and when they change it's upsetting. I pray that my family and friends will just understand and show me some grace as I travel this road in my life. I love all of you so.
God keeps putting people and opportunities in my path that are leading me right back to my dreams. I am currently working for Total Transition Services part time. We help disabled adults secure employment and it's a really rewarding job. Lots of working with the disabled and teaching/training which I love to do. I also just visited with the Executive director of CWJC(Christian Women's Job Corp) here in Arlington and will be volunteering with them some too. They help women in need acquire skills for jobs and life. It's an incredible program and I'm so excited about getting to work with other women. I will even be helping build a new website for them. I start back to college in January and that is exciting to me as you all know. I LOVE school. LOL! Can't wait. Life just keeps happening and I'm in awe of how it all works out. Good and bad all mixed together but somehow it just all works. The theme "God works all things for good to those who love him" just seems to weave itself into every part of our life.
All that being said, we miss Hannah unbelievably. A memorial bench is being placed at her school and the dedication is next week. It's hard to believe we're close to a year since she passed away. I want her with me, I do, but I can't have her with me physically so I keep her with me every way I can emotionally and spiritually. I carry her in my heart and she continues to inspire everything I do. I thank God EVERY day for the time I had with her. Being part of the Dravet family I know parents who did not have nearly 9 years with their precious child. I'm grateful. I have my pity days for sure but it all comes back to thanksgiving eventually for I know God was merciful to Hannah and to us through it all.
This is what happens when I don't write for a while. I write a book. I ramble and am all over the place. Thank you all for your support and prayers and please keep them coming. Love you all! God Bless!
Hello God...It's Marcey. I want to thank you for inspiring hope and faith in my life and giving me the ability to hold on to it when it should be an impossibility. Thank you for your grace and mercy, your guiding hand and gentle voice in my times of need. Lord, please continue to order my steps and bring comfort to my hurting heart. Thank you for your word. It brings comfort and courage to my world. All my love...Marcey
