2011-Transformed along the Way

Back in January our church began a year long emphasis with the theme being, "Transformed along the Way, A year long journey to spiritual transformation".  The topics for each section were, "learn, obey, share, love, trust, and worship".  Every section a church challenge was issued.  David and I were very interested in the topics and eagerly looked forward to each service.  I have to admit it was more out of a curiosity of what sermons around themes etc were all about.  It was not a type of ministry we had ever experienced before and I was curious and a little skeptical admittedly.  Wow!  What a year of ministry to us!  I sat amazed week after week that the topics touched right at the core of what was happening in our lives.  We walked away feeling equipped to meet Spiritual challenges and encouraged to seek further understanding when needed.  2011 has definitely been a year long journey to spiritual transformation for me and I'm staying the course for 2012.  That's my number one New Years resolution...to stay the course and let God do His work in my life.

Speaking of church, we are also very fortunate to have a great Sunday School class that we love being a part of.  They have challenged us and encouraged us every time we're together.  We love the study material.  It's just been a God send for us to be part of this group of people and we are so thankful for their acceptance of us even though we don't technically belong with them.  LOL!  Our lives are better because we are in their company on a regular basis.  

All that being said, I have to say that this was the roughest year of my life I believe.  The first year after Hannah's death I kind of lived in a daze.  There was a numbness that settled in and it allowed me to get through that first year and accomplish a lot of things.  The numbness lifted and I was left with the full impact of life without Hannah.  It wasn't pretty.  I have fought a horrible depression and struggled to find any relief.  I have been on a number of anti-depressants, all kinds of supplements, and go to therapy regularly.  I pray and read my Bible daily.  All of these things keep me going and I thank God for their availability to me.  I can't help but think God is trying to teach me something through this experience so I am buckling down for the ride and constantly trying to talk myself out of not jumping from this moving vehicle I call trust. :-) (Corny I know!  LOL) 

I miss Hannah.  It'll be two years on the 17th since I held her in my arms.  It's hard.  I've tried to grieve the right way, say the right things, accept other people's comments and advice with grace.  I've tried to be strong and brave.  I'm human.  I miss my girl.  My world has been turned upside down without her and I'm done with pretending I understand and accept it all.  It's a process to get there and there's no skipping it.  I am going to put one foot in front of the other and trust that God can handle my humanity and pray I have people in my life that can handle me being real.

On to more pleasant things.  Despite this being one of the roughest years of my life it has also been one of the best.  I got a scholarship for school so I've been going to school full time.  I have no idea what I'm going to do, and it's getting close to time for me to make some decisions.  I've thought about psychology only because I love the brain and how it works and I love the idea of working with parents who have kids with disabilities or illnesses.  It would add to my current job in that I'd be able to do psych evals.  I've always wanted to be a teacher too though.  Although teachers in Texas right now are out of work and seeking other degrees so that's something to consider.  At any rate I enjoy school and look forward to continuing my education in whatever area I decide to pursue.

I have a great job.  It's part time but it's been a huge blessing and it's something I enjoy doing.  I'm an independent contractor so it's been interesting learning how all that works.  I enjoy working with my clients and the counselors.  This job was a gift straight from God to me in that it allows me to be around people I care a lot for and I use a lot of my life experience with Hannah in my interactions with them.

The boys are doing great.  Kyle is applying to colleges to transfer for next Fall.  He was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa and is VP.  Zach is in his final semester of his senior year.  He is interning at UTA and thinks that he wants to apply to go there in the Fall.  Can't believe I'm about to have two college students.  I'm too young! LOL!

David is doing well.  He is a member of the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus and is on a number of committees, etc.  He really enjoys it and it's fun to watch him perform. 

Koolio is handsome as ever.  I just love that dog and am so thankful we have him.  He is an extension of Hannah we still have with us.  He's so much fun and such a good boy!  He loves going for runs and walks in the neighborhood.  I can't imagine life without him.

I'm not sure what 2012 holds for me.  My hope is that I would continue to grow in my faith and that I would be able to cultivate more peace in my life.  As 2011 comes to a close my prayer is that in 2012 not a day or moment is taken for granted.  That's the greatest lesson I learned from my sweet angel.  Thank you Hannah!

God Bless you all and Keep you!  Thanks for your continued prayers and support.  Here's to a blessed 2012!

Marcey

Romans 12:2

New International Version (NIV)

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

The Message (MSG)

Romans 12

Place Your Life Before God

 ^1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

 

Suffering isn't a permanent state

I'm alive!  Were you wondering?  Man, life just keeps going, and it keeps throwing tough stuff my way.  I swear sometimes I think I'm just destined for pain, but then something wonderful happens, or I meet someone who is dealing with tougher stuff than I am, and everything gets put back in perspective.  Life is hard, but it's good.

In the month of January I experienced the one year anniversary of Hannah's death and all that went with that, the loss of my dad, joined a great church, started 12 hours of college, still work for Total Transition Services doing assessments, training, and job placements for disabled adults, and I still volunteer with CWJC(Christian women's job corp) as they need me, and do my life group on Thursday's as much as I can.  Yep, I stay busy, and life keeps happening.  Sometimes good...Sometimes tough...Always happening.

In the midst of all my busyness I do find time to feel sorry for myself unfortunately.  I do not like feeling sorry for myself, and I do not like others feeling sorry for me.  I think it's kind of a pride thing I guess.  The fact of the matter is that I am in a state where feeling sorry for myself on occasion is o.k., and others being sorry for me is loving me.  It's just so hard to embrace the ugliness of losing Hannah.  She was beautiful inside and out, and she's waiting on me in heaven I know, still there is nothing less than tragic about the death of your child.  Tragedy is ugly.  Yesterday I sat in a congregation as we listened to our pastor bring the Word of God in the midst of great tragedy.  He brought us God's word in the midst of the murder of his friend, the murder of a congregation's pastor, the murder of a husband, and son.  To be honest I wasn't expecting much.  What can you say in the midst of something so horrific?  In the midst of so many questions.  You speak God's word, that's what you do.  He used the very words used by Jesus to comfort the disciples when they were troubled about his leaving them. 

John 14 verses 1 - 6 
¹"^(A)Do not let your heart be troubled; ^[a]believe in God, believe also in Me.
 ²"In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for ^(B)I go to prepare a place for you.
 ³"If I go and prepare a place for you, ^(C)I will come again and receive you to Myself, that ^(D)where I am, there you may be also.
 ⁴"And you know the way where I am going."
 ^5(E)Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?"
 ⁶Jesus said to him, "I am ^(F)the way, and ^(G)the truth, and ^(H)the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

It all struck a chord with me, but one comment he made continues to resound in my thoughts, "suffering is not a permanent state".  Because of my belief in Jesus Christ I have a promise that my suffering will end.  I also know that I will see my Hannah again.  It's o.k. to feel sorry for myself sometimes.  It's not a permanent state.  I just love the way God's word is always relevant no matter what state you're in.  Good times, it's relevant, bad times, it's relevant.  Thank God for His Word!  Please pray for Clint Dobson's family, the Northpointe congregation, Pastor Wiles, and the FBCA staff as they feel deeply the loss of their husband, son, pastor, and friend.

When I talk about my schedule it is often met with looks or words of concern.  If you think I'm keeping busy so I won't feel, you may be right.  It doesn't work though.  There is no amount of activity that would numb the loss I feel.  Still, I have always enjoyed staying busy.  I love being around people and spending time working with them.  I've always loved school and think that getting an education would give me the credibility I need to do what I want to do.  I love helping parents with disabled or ill children.  I enjoyed it even before I had Hannah.  My work, volunteering with CWJC, and my groups are all something that feed me.  I need them.  I am also fortunate enough to have people in my life that will not allow me to take a path to destruction.  They just won't let it happen, and I'm grateful.  It's because people care that I am able to survive a parent's worse nightmare.  Thank you! 

Enough aboutt me and my stuff.  The love of my life(that's David in case you didn't know LOL) joined the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus.  We are anxiously awaiting his first performance.  It's gonna be a blast!  He also volunteered at a local blues radio station for a couple of weeks recently.  He taught his first SS lesson in two years last Sunday, and did an awesome job.  He's still working at Harwood in Dallas.  Kyle is still dating Miss Leeann.  He's currently in college and should be done with his basics in the Fall.  He's also still working at Hobby Lobby.  Zach is in his second semester as a junior at Arlington High.  He'll be a senior next year.  He's also helping out in the media ministry at church.  Koolio is doing wonderful.  He's spoiled rotten and beautiful as ever.  He loves having a big yard to run around in.  It's warmer so the squirrels are coming out.  We are quite entertained watching him track every time we let him out. LOL!

Now, you know I'm still kicking.  I am so thankful for all the support, love, and prayers that continue to come my way.  I'm sincere when I say they keep me going.  Thank you!  I hope I didn't sound preachy or like I was minimizing the tragedy of murder in anything I said about the service on Sunday.  I just felt led to share what the words meant to me personally.  Please pray for those involved in that tragedy.  I can't even imagine the pain and confusion.  Thanks for loving me.

God Bless!
Marcey

Dear God....it's me...Marcey....thank you for your love, grace, and mercy.  Thank you for your Word.  Lord, I ask that you wrap all those hurting in your loving arms.  Let them feel the security of being there.  It's a place I rest often and I'm thankful for it.  God, forgive me for trying to lean on my own understanding, and help me to realize and lean into your promise that all things work for good to those who love you.  Grant us your peace Lord as we walk in this world.  And God, can you catch my girl for a second cause I know she's running to and fro, wrap her in a bear hug, and give her a kiss on the forehead, and tell he it's from her mommy?  All my love...Marcey