2011-Transformed along the Way

Back in January our church began a year long emphasis with the theme being, "Transformed along the Way, A year long journey to spiritual transformation".  The topics for each section were, "learn, obey, share, love, trust, and worship".  Every section a church challenge was issued.  David and I were very interested in the topics and eagerly looked forward to each service.  I have to admit it was more out of a curiosity of what sermons around themes etc were all about.  It was not a type of ministry we had ever experienced before and I was curious and a little skeptical admittedly.  Wow!  What a year of ministry to us!  I sat amazed week after week that the topics touched right at the core of what was happening in our lives.  We walked away feeling equipped to meet Spiritual challenges and encouraged to seek further understanding when needed.  2011 has definitely been a year long journey to spiritual transformation for me and I'm staying the course for 2012.  That's my number one New Years resolution...to stay the course and let God do His work in my life.

Speaking of church, we are also very fortunate to have a great Sunday School class that we love being a part of.  They have challenged us and encouraged us every time we're together.  We love the study material.  It's just been a God send for us to be part of this group of people and we are so thankful for their acceptance of us even though we don't technically belong with them.  LOL!  Our lives are better because we are in their company on a regular basis.  

All that being said, I have to say that this was the roughest year of my life I believe.  The first year after Hannah's death I kind of lived in a daze.  There was a numbness that settled in and it allowed me to get through that first year and accomplish a lot of things.  The numbness lifted and I was left with the full impact of life without Hannah.  It wasn't pretty.  I have fought a horrible depression and struggled to find any relief.  I have been on a number of anti-depressants, all kinds of supplements, and go to therapy regularly.  I pray and read my Bible daily.  All of these things keep me going and I thank God for their availability to me.  I can't help but think God is trying to teach me something through this experience so I am buckling down for the ride and constantly trying to talk myself out of not jumping from this moving vehicle I call trust. :-) (Corny I know!  LOL) 

I miss Hannah.  It'll be two years on the 17th since I held her in my arms.  It's hard.  I've tried to grieve the right way, say the right things, accept other people's comments and advice with grace.  I've tried to be strong and brave.  I'm human.  I miss my girl.  My world has been turned upside down without her and I'm done with pretending I understand and accept it all.  It's a process to get there and there's no skipping it.  I am going to put one foot in front of the other and trust that God can handle my humanity and pray I have people in my life that can handle me being real.

On to more pleasant things.  Despite this being one of the roughest years of my life it has also been one of the best.  I got a scholarship for school so I've been going to school full time.  I have no idea what I'm going to do, and it's getting close to time for me to make some decisions.  I've thought about psychology only because I love the brain and how it works and I love the idea of working with parents who have kids with disabilities or illnesses.  It would add to my current job in that I'd be able to do psych evals.  I've always wanted to be a teacher too though.  Although teachers in Texas right now are out of work and seeking other degrees so that's something to consider.  At any rate I enjoy school and look forward to continuing my education in whatever area I decide to pursue.

I have a great job.  It's part time but it's been a huge blessing and it's something I enjoy doing.  I'm an independent contractor so it's been interesting learning how all that works.  I enjoy working with my clients and the counselors.  This job was a gift straight from God to me in that it allows me to be around people I care a lot for and I use a lot of my life experience with Hannah in my interactions with them.

The boys are doing great.  Kyle is applying to colleges to transfer for next Fall.  He was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa and is VP.  Zach is in his final semester of his senior year.  He is interning at UTA and thinks that he wants to apply to go there in the Fall.  Can't believe I'm about to have two college students.  I'm too young! LOL!

David is doing well.  He is a member of the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus and is on a number of committees, etc.  He really enjoys it and it's fun to watch him perform. 

Koolio is handsome as ever.  I just love that dog and am so thankful we have him.  He is an extension of Hannah we still have with us.  He's so much fun and such a good boy!  He loves going for runs and walks in the neighborhood.  I can't imagine life without him.

I'm not sure what 2012 holds for me.  My hope is that I would continue to grow in my faith and that I would be able to cultivate more peace in my life.  As 2011 comes to a close my prayer is that in 2012 not a day or moment is taken for granted.  That's the greatest lesson I learned from my sweet angel.  Thank you Hannah!

God Bless you all and Keep you!  Thanks for your continued prayers and support.  Here's to a blessed 2012!

Marcey

Romans 12:2

New International Version (NIV)

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

The Message (MSG)

Romans 12

Place Your Life Before God

 ^1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

 

Suffering isn't a permanent state

I'm alive!  Were you wondering?  Man, life just keeps going, and it keeps throwing tough stuff my way.  I swear sometimes I think I'm just destined for pain, but then something wonderful happens, or I meet someone who is dealing with tougher stuff than I am, and everything gets put back in perspective.  Life is hard, but it's good.

In the month of January I experienced the one year anniversary of Hannah's death and all that went with that, the loss of my dad, joined a great church, started 12 hours of college, still work for Total Transition Services doing assessments, training, and job placements for disabled adults, and I still volunteer with CWJC(Christian women's job corp) as they need me, and do my life group on Thursday's as much as I can.  Yep, I stay busy, and life keeps happening.  Sometimes good...Sometimes tough...Always happening.

In the midst of all my busyness I do find time to feel sorry for myself unfortunately.  I do not like feeling sorry for myself, and I do not like others feeling sorry for me.  I think it's kind of a pride thing I guess.  The fact of the matter is that I am in a state where feeling sorry for myself on occasion is o.k., and others being sorry for me is loving me.  It's just so hard to embrace the ugliness of losing Hannah.  She was beautiful inside and out, and she's waiting on me in heaven I know, still there is nothing less than tragic about the death of your child.  Tragedy is ugly.  Yesterday I sat in a congregation as we listened to our pastor bring the Word of God in the midst of great tragedy.  He brought us God's word in the midst of the murder of his friend, the murder of a congregation's pastor, the murder of a husband, and son.  To be honest I wasn't expecting much.  What can you say in the midst of something so horrific?  In the midst of so many questions.  You speak God's word, that's what you do.  He used the very words used by Jesus to comfort the disciples when they were troubled about his leaving them. 

John 14 verses 1 - 6 
¹"^(A)Do not let your heart be troubled; ^[a]believe in God, believe also in Me.
 ²"In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for ^(B)I go to prepare a place for you.
 ³"If I go and prepare a place for you, ^(C)I will come again and receive you to Myself, that ^(D)where I am, there you may be also.
 ⁴"And you know the way where I am going."
 ^5(E)Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?"
 ⁶Jesus said to him, "I am ^(F)the way, and ^(G)the truth, and ^(H)the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

It all struck a chord with me, but one comment he made continues to resound in my thoughts, "suffering is not a permanent state".  Because of my belief in Jesus Christ I have a promise that my suffering will end.  I also know that I will see my Hannah again.  It's o.k. to feel sorry for myself sometimes.  It's not a permanent state.  I just love the way God's word is always relevant no matter what state you're in.  Good times, it's relevant, bad times, it's relevant.  Thank God for His Word!  Please pray for Clint Dobson's family, the Northpointe congregation, Pastor Wiles, and the FBCA staff as they feel deeply the loss of their husband, son, pastor, and friend.

When I talk about my schedule it is often met with looks or words of concern.  If you think I'm keeping busy so I won't feel, you may be right.  It doesn't work though.  There is no amount of activity that would numb the loss I feel.  Still, I have always enjoyed staying busy.  I love being around people and spending time working with them.  I've always loved school and think that getting an education would give me the credibility I need to do what I want to do.  I love helping parents with disabled or ill children.  I enjoyed it even before I had Hannah.  My work, volunteering with CWJC, and my groups are all something that feed me.  I need them.  I am also fortunate enough to have people in my life that will not allow me to take a path to destruction.  They just won't let it happen, and I'm grateful.  It's because people care that I am able to survive a parent's worse nightmare.  Thank you! 

Enough aboutt me and my stuff.  The love of my life(that's David in case you didn't know LOL) joined the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus.  We are anxiously awaiting his first performance.  It's gonna be a blast!  He also volunteered at a local blues radio station for a couple of weeks recently.  He taught his first SS lesson in two years last Sunday, and did an awesome job.  He's still working at Harwood in Dallas.  Kyle is still dating Miss Leeann.  He's currently in college and should be done with his basics in the Fall.  He's also still working at Hobby Lobby.  Zach is in his second semester as a junior at Arlington High.  He'll be a senior next year.  He's also helping out in the media ministry at church.  Koolio is doing wonderful.  He's spoiled rotten and beautiful as ever.  He loves having a big yard to run around in.  It's warmer so the squirrels are coming out.  We are quite entertained watching him track every time we let him out. LOL!

Now, you know I'm still kicking.  I am so thankful for all the support, love, and prayers that continue to come my way.  I'm sincere when I say they keep me going.  Thank you!  I hope I didn't sound preachy or like I was minimizing the tragedy of murder in anything I said about the service on Sunday.  I just felt led to share what the words meant to me personally.  Please pray for those involved in that tragedy.  I can't even imagine the pain and confusion.  Thanks for loving me.

God Bless!
Marcey

Dear God....it's me...Marcey....thank you for your love, grace, and mercy.  Thank you for your Word.  Lord, I ask that you wrap all those hurting in your loving arms.  Let them feel the security of being there.  It's a place I rest often and I'm thankful for it.  God, forgive me for trying to lean on my own understanding, and help me to realize and lean into your promise that all things work for good to those who love you.  Grant us your peace Lord as we walk in this world.  And God, can you catch my girl for a second cause I know she's running to and fro, wrap her in a bear hug, and give her a kiss on the forehead, and tell he it's from her mommy?  All my love...Marcey   

What's Happening!?!?

It's been a bit since I wrote anything anywhere last.  It's tough without Hannah.  She was my inspiration.

It's been a difficult few months.  David had to take a HUGE pay cut in October to keep his job.  God's been good and we've managed, but it hasn't been without some pretty scary moments.  We're thankful he has a job!

I took a job working with disabled adults helping them secure employment.  I love the job but it started out really slow financially.  It has tremendous potential but it was slow starting.  January is looking to be a take off kind of month and I'm thrilled about that.  The job just keeps getting more and more interesting and fun for me and I'm so thankful for it.  In November I started doing assessments which I loved doing and then in January we are actually going to start doing workshops which means I'll get to teach(which I love).  I'm just thankful that I got this opportunity.

In November I started helping out at the CWJC(Christian Women's Job Corp) and I hope to continue to get to do that.  It is an organization that helps needy women learn job and life skills.  The women are amazing and I loved teaching or helping them learn Excel.  It just does the heart good to get outside of yourself and help other people and these women were so fun to be around.  Again, I'm thankful for the opportunity.

On January 18th I will start school again.  I wasn't going to do it and then I decided there is never going to be a good time.  Unfortunately the 18th is one day after Hannah's 1 year anniversary but we're just going to go with it and see what happens.  There's no rule saying I can't quit if I can't handle it.  Well, there is, but it's my rule, and those can be changed.  I am pursuing psychology because I want to eventually help parents who have kids with disabilities.  I want to direct them to resources, etc.  That's my dream anyway.  How or where I'll be able to do that we'll just have to see what doors God opens for me.  I know he will.

This is a Christmas of firsts for me.  For the first time in 19 years I have not entered a ToysRus or toy department of a store looking for Christmas gifts for my children.  That may not sound like a big deal but it really is.  Kids grow up and you transition from not buying toys.  I just had to stop cold turkey.  It's painful.  I am working hard at being joyful and thankful and celebrative of the reason for the season.  Still, I have not decorated my tree or shopped for a single gift.  I have 3 days left.  I keep thinking I'm gonna get it done and then I don't.  I know it'll all come together and be fine.  It's just tough.  I'm reminded that my last amazing few weeks with Hannah were theses few weeks and it makes me miss her more than you'll ever imagine.  I so wish she were here...but she's not.  So, I'll focus as much as I can on the reason for the season and imagine the Birthday Party for Jesus that my Hannah gets to attend this year.

I took a few days for myself away from everything.  I found a little cabin in the woods.  I had no cell or internet service.  It was just me, my Bible/books, a few movies, and God.  I have to tell you that it was much needed.  I worry so much about my emotions or reactions concerning missing Hannah and how they make my guys feel.  It was just very necessary for me to be alone with those emotions and be able to express them without worrying about anyone else.  It was just me.  I left there feeling like I had gotten some things accomplished emotionally and planned to make it a regular occurrence.  It would be the perfect spot to spend a week or two and get some real writing done.  It was perfect.  I'll post some pictures.  I was thankful to God that I found the place and that it was so perfect.

I also wrote KLTY Christmas Wish thanking them and telling them the story of our last year Christmas.  They used it to help with this years promo. I was so glad to help in some way.  Last week I went in studio to film the story.  It's not being used yet and probably won't be until next year but it feels so good to be able to do something in return for all that was done for us. 

Despite all the pain I've lived with this year, I have to acknowledge that God has been so good to me.  I've been given just what I need to get through each and every day.  God's grace and mercy have been evident to me every single day.  I'm thankful.  I could not imagine going through this without faith in God.  I know that not a day will go by that I don't miss my beautiful girl but I'm so glad that I have the hope that we will see each other again.  That one day I'll meet her in that wonderful place and she'll introduce me to Jesus and show me around.  I've never been so homesick before.  Until my time though I hope that I can live a life that will honor both my God and my Hannah.    

I sincerely thank all of you for your continued prayers and support.  We wouldn't make it without you.  Thank you!

Dear God, It's me....Marcey.  Thank you for your constant care and provision.  We couldn't do this without you.  Give my girl a hug and kiss and tell her Merry Christmas for me please!  Oh, and if you could, would you sing, "Santa Claus is coming to town"?  Be sure to make the boo hoo sounds and pouty face too!  I'm sure she'd appreciate it if you had Sponge Bob on your cake this year too.  Thank you Lord for being born and dying.  Because you came and gave your life I can see my girl again.  Thank You!  All my love, Marcey

Some Say...(a poem about turning 40)

Some Say...

(A poem about turning 40)

Written by: Marcey Chapman

Some say… 40 is over the hill.

The thought of it gives me the chills.

I’m 40, will I fall apart?

Just how does the disaster of 40 start!?!?!

Will it start with ugly shoes?

Will there be any clues?

Dear God, will I go insane?

How long do I have before using a cane?

Hot Flashes compared to an atomic bomb?

Please people, I’m trying to stay calm!

This is all such terrible news!

I’m really hoping it’s all just a ruse.

~ ~ ~ ~

Some Say… 4o is when life begins.

That thought sure makes me grin!

40 is the new 20 I have heard

I’ll take it even though it borders on absurd.

You’ll get smarter as you get older an article read.

Great news considering I have fog in my head.

Happier, Passionate, and more confident you’ll be

That’s sure something I can’t wait to see.

Really, you can take care of yourself without feeling guilt?

Wow, how cool, I’ll no longer have to wilt!

This is all Wonderful news!

Plus it doesn’t involve those durn ugly shoes!

~ ~ ~ ~

Even if what some say is a con

I say… 40…eh…bring it on!

We’re not promised tomorrow, this I know well

I think I’ll just live and 40 will be swell!

 

Hope, Faith, believe

You know, life just keeps going and sometimes you have to consciously make a choice to live in it.  That's where I've been lately.  Some weeks I want to let myself lay around and lick my wounds and use all the very valid excuses I have for not being an active participant in this life.  That's not me though.  I may want to do that, but it's not in me to.  I've always held onto an ounce of hope no matter the circumstances and it remains that way even to this day.  Hope keeps me alive literally.

Sometimes I have great hope but a lot of times it's just an ounce.  You know the passage that talks about faith as the grain of a mustard seed.  A grain is not a lot of seed.  Hope and faith are pretty closely knit together I think.  I like this definition of hope:  to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust.  And I like this one for faith: strong or unshakable belief in something, esp without proof or evidence.  I love that both definitions deal with believing.  Believing: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.  In other words, the act of believing is a choice you make.  You decide to believe or not.  You also get to decide whether to have hope and faith.  It is a choice we make.  Knowing that it's my choice puts it in perspective for me.  Nothing like having the ball in your court.

I've never been one for excuses.  I've always been the "buck stops here" kind of personality.  It's been to a fault in that I sometimes, many times,  take the blame for things that are clearly not in my control to manage.  I've been through a lot in my lifetime.  I've been greatly disappointed and let down by people I love.  I've disappointed and failed myself, let people down, and saw dreams crushed and became disillusioned.  We all have at some point, haven't we?  I mean, it's life.  It's what happens.  It's part of humanity.  So, what do we do with that?  We have to make a choice, that's what.  Life goes on with or without us.  We can sit and let it go on while we waste away in misery, or we can reach within ourselves and grab any semblance of hope and faith to help us begin again.

That's a choice I make regularly.  I've lost a child and I'm not even 40 yet.  I've had three beautiful children and one of them has passed through this life before me.  It's not easy folks.  It's a heartache like none I can even begin to describe to you.  My life as I knew it died with Hannah.  I can't go back to the Marcey I was before Hannah.  She's long gone.  The Marcey I was with Hannah is long gone as well.  I either die or I create a new Marcey.  Not many people will understand that because unless you have been there it's just not something you can fathom.  All the old pieces are still there but they have new roles in my new life.  They do not play the role they once did.  Recreation makes people uncomfortable.  They get used to the way things are and when they change it's upsetting.  I pray that my family and friends will just understand and show me some grace as I travel this road in my life.  I love all of you so.

God keeps putting people and opportunities in my path that are leading me right back to my dreams.  I am currently working for Total Transition Services part time.  We help disabled adults secure employment and it's a really rewarding job.  Lots of working with the disabled and teaching/training which I love to do.  I also just visited with the Executive director of CWJC(Christian Women's Job Corp) here in Arlington and will be volunteering with them some too.  They help women in need acquire skills for jobs and life.  It's an incredible program and I'm so excited about getting to work with other women.  I will even be helping build a new website for them.  I start back to college in January and that is exciting to me as you all know.  I LOVE school. LOL!  Can't wait.  Life just keeps happening and I'm in awe of how it all works out.  Good and bad all mixed together but somehow it just all works.  The theme "God works all things for good to those who love him" just seems to weave itself into every part of our life.

All that being said, we miss Hannah unbelievably.  A memorial bench is being placed at her school and the dedication is next week.  It's hard to believe we're close to a year since she passed away.  I want her with me, I do, but I can't have her with me physically so I keep her with me every way I can emotionally and spiritually.  I carry her in my heart and she continues to inspire everything I do.  I thank God EVERY day for the time I had with her.  Being part of the Dravet family I know parents who did not have nearly 9 years with their precious child.  I'm grateful.  I have my pity days for sure but it all comes back to thanksgiving eventually for I know God was merciful to Hannah and to us through it all.

This is what happens when I don't write for a while.  I write a book.  I ramble and am all over the place.  Thank you all for your support and prayers and please keep them coming.  Love you all!  God Bless!

Hello God...It's Marcey.  I want to thank you for inspiring hope and faith in my life and giving me the ability to hold on to it when it should be an impossibility.  Thank you for your grace and mercy, your guiding hand and gentle voice in my times of need.  Lord, please continue to order my steps and bring comfort to my hurting heart.  Thank you for your word.  It brings comfort and courage to my world.  All my love...Marcey    

Welcome to "Hello God...It's Me...Marcey"

Kind of a strange name for a blog I know.  I did love Judy Blume's book "Dear God, It's Me, Margaret" when I was a kid, and I think she's a phenomenal writer; however, my "hello God" was not inspired by her writings.  The title was inspired by my conversations with God on a daily basis.  Yep, I start them with "Hello God, It's me, Marcey".  In this season of my life my faith is transforming and becoming very personal.  It's been and is an incredible journey.  My writings will not always be prayers, but my faith will be a huge part of what I write.  Honestly, I don't know what the subject of this blog will be.  I think it'll just be about MY life.

I'm living.

Obviously, right? Well, in January I buried my 8 yr old daughter Hannah.  She had a severe form of epilepsy called Dravet syndrome. The last two years of her life were touch and go. We had 12 hospitalizations and 7 of those were care flight trips to the Children's hospital. We'd have to drive an hour to be with her, and never know if she'd be alive when we got there. On January 17th we had to make the decision to let her go. She passed away in our arms at 5:15 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. I can promise you that the fact that I am living is surprising to me. I would have never thought I could survive this heartache. I have so far though, and I think I will continue to, if I take it one breath at a time. I've been puzzled how we can have some the best of times right smack in the middle of the worst of times. Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm living a parent's greatest nightmare, but in the midst of that nightmare some awesome things are happening.  Sometimes I catch myself "living" as if I never lost Hannah. At times that makes me feel guilty and I'll even halt my "living". Grief is totally not what I ever imagined it to be. It comes in waves and those waves crash down on you when you least expect it. It will take your breath and make you think you're drowning. It's not constant though and I guess that's what gets me sometimes. Not being in constant pain can be misunderstood by those who have suffered a great loss, especially the loss of their child. Well meaning friends and family sometimes add to the confusion.  I've been told I was in denial because I appeared happy about something.  I've also been told I was in chronic grief because someone thought I should be over it already.  Just for the record, it's been 7 months for me, and my grieving has been all over the place.  I don't think there is a set way it's to be done.  It's personal and has to be done the way you need to do it.  Lets just say...Grief is complicated. A lot of this blog will probably be about me trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like for me now. It's a hard place. One thing I do know, is that I will continue to "live", if for no other reason, than to honor my Hannah. That girl LOVED life. I just need to figure out what that "life" looks like without her present in this world with me. Not an easy task folks.

I'm loving.

Boy am I ever loving. I love my new house. It is the perfect home for our family at this time in our lives. We are enjoying the country feel our home has smack in the middle of the city.  Having a park with walking trails around the block is awesome.  All our neighbors are wonderful and we couldn't ask for anything more than what we have right now.  Living in the city is great.  Everything you need is within blocks.  No more long drives to doctors, work, or shopping.  I love Target. :)  I love my creative life group.  The ladies in it are amazing and I do not know how I would have made it without them the last 7 mths.  I love going to church and the way I leave inspired to be a better follower of Christ.  The pastor always leaves me with something to think about all during the week.  I love our Sunday School class.  We shouldn't belong there but we've been accepted as part of the group.  That acceptance means a lot to us.  We needed this particular group of people at this time in our life and are so thankful they were willing to allow "misfits" in their midst.  I am loving having friends.  I've always had friends but more on the surface level.  I've been fortunate to gain a few that love me and embrace me just where I'm at.  It's a great feeling. 

I will always love my Hannah.  She changed my life and it was for the good.  I can spend hours writing what she meant to me and how she changed my life but I won't.  Today, anyway.  Today, I'll just type the lyrics to our favorite little song.  It's sung to the tune of the old hymn, "I love My Savior".  It goes like this...."I love my Hannah, she loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do."  That's the truth.  I loved/love that girl completely.  I love my Koolio.  I would have never thought I'd love an animal so much.  In so many ways he's a little part of Hannah that I still have with me.  Koolio is an incredibly, smart, goofy dog that fits perfectly in this family.  I'm so glad we have him.  I love my boys and I'm so proud of the way they have handled Hannah's death.  I know how much they loved their sister.  I know that they miss her horribly.  They could use this tragedy to justify any behavior they wanted to at this time but both are choosing to honor her memory by working hard to fulfill their dreams.  I have some pretty awesome young men if you ask me.

I love my David.  I married this man 20 years ago and there was no way to foresee the life we'd have together.  It's not been an easy one.  We've sacrificed much time together for the sake of making a living and taking care of Hannah.  I can't even begin to tell you the sacrifices this man made for his little girl.  Through the tragedy of Hannah's death I have clung to him like a life line.  He has let me.  If anyone can even come close to knowing how I feel, it is him.  He loved our girl completely.  Sometimes I'm unreasonable, I can't put what I'm feeling into words, I forget things, and I just meltdown out of the blue for no rhyme or reason.  He hangs tough and when I'm able, I know I can search him out to talk about it or just be comforted.  We've lost a child and for a lot of couples that's too much.  I'm thankful for a committed husband who will do anything it takes to work through what we're going through.  I look forward to our future together even in the midst of our tragedy.  I know that I have a deeper love and appreciation for David than I ever did before.  He is my knight and I am grateful for him.

Finally, I can't say that I love this person yet, but I want to.  That person is myself and to say I even want to love myself is progress.  I'm learning it's not selfish to love yourself after all.  It's healthy and you can't love others to the best of your ability if you don't love yourself.  So, I'm working to move in that direction.  It's a very slow pace.  Too many years of giving everything I have in me to others and having boundaries that need to be shifted, torn down, and resurrected.  It's a journey y'all.  Fun sometimes and others...not so much.  I'm committed though.

I'm Learning

I crave knowledge.  I will read just about anything, anytime, anywhere.  I am extremely observant.  Yep, I'm often called nosey.   :)  I love to learn.  Having Hannah I was constantly learning something about her conditions.  Ironically the only thing I did not find interesting about Hannah's conditions was that she had them.  You would never wish or want your child to deal with the things my Hannah did.  That being said, I found and still find the whole behavior and brain science world fascinating.  Do you know that even the most damaged brain can still learn?(every blog posting has to have a rabbit trail right?  :<)  )  I really think I'm fortunate to love the one thing that we as humans can always do.  You can never learn everything.  There really aren't any "know it alls" in this world.  Learning is a joy I'll have my entire lifetime.  My experiences in this life have not always been enjoyable.  That's kind of an understatement actually.  I know pain all too well.  Still, I think that having the ability to learn even in the hardest of times has been a blessing to me.  I am grateful I love to learn.

In conclusion

This was a long introduction I realize.  I just couldn't stop once I started.  :)  What a conclusion! LOL!

Hello God...It's me...Marcey

Your word says in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."  Thank you for calling me and for the promise that no matter what happens in this life you can and will make it GOOD.  All my love, Marcey