Kind of a strange name for a blog I know. I did love Judy Blume's book "Dear God, It's Me, Margaret" when I was a kid, and I think she's a phenomenal writer; however, my "hello God" was not inspired by her writings. The title was inspired by my conversations with God on a daily basis. Yep, I start them with "Hello God, It's me, Marcey". In this season of my life my faith is transforming and becoming very personal. It's been and is an incredible journey. My writings will not always be prayers, but my faith will be a huge part of what I write. Honestly, I don't know what the subject of this blog will be. I think it'll just be about MY life.
I'm living.
Obviously, right? Well, in January I buried my 8 yr old daughter Hannah. She had a severe form of epilepsy called Dravet syndrome. The last two years of her life were touch and go. We had 12 hospitalizations and 7 of those were care flight trips to the Children's hospital. We'd have to drive an hour to be with her, and never know if she'd be alive when we got there. On January 17th we had to make the decision to let her go. She passed away in our arms at 5:15 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. I can promise you that the fact that I am living is surprising to me. I would have never thought I could survive this heartache. I have so far though, and I think I will continue to, if I take it one breath at a time. I've been puzzled how we can have some the best of times right smack in the middle of the worst of times. Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm living a parent's greatest nightmare, but in the midst of that nightmare some awesome things are happening. Sometimes I catch myself "living" as if I never lost Hannah. At times that makes me feel guilty and I'll even halt my "living". Grief is totally not what I ever imagined it to be. It comes in waves and those waves crash down on you when you least expect it. It will take your breath and make you think you're drowning. It's not constant though and I guess that's what gets me sometimes. Not being in constant pain can be misunderstood by those who have suffered a great loss, especially the loss of their child. Well meaning friends and family sometimes add to the confusion. I've been told I was in denial because I appeared happy about something. I've also been told I was in chronic grief because someone thought I should be over it already. Just for the record, it's been 7 months for me, and my grieving has been all over the place. I don't think there is a set way it's to be done. It's personal and has to be done the way you need to do it. Lets just say...Grief is complicated. A lot of this blog will probably be about me trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like for me now. It's a hard place. One thing I do know, is that I will continue to "live", if for no other reason, than to honor my Hannah. That girl LOVED life. I just need to figure out what that "life" looks like without her present in this world with me. Not an easy task folks.
I'm loving.
Boy am I ever loving. I love my new house. It is the perfect home for our family at this time in our lives. We are enjoying the country feel our home has smack in the middle of the city. Having a park with walking trails around the block is awesome. All our neighbors are wonderful and we couldn't ask for anything more than what we have right now. Living in the city is great. Everything you need is within blocks. No more long drives to doctors, work, or shopping. I love Target. :) I love my creative life group. The ladies in it are amazing and I do not know how I would have made it without them the last 7 mths. I love going to church and the way I leave inspired to be a better follower of Christ. The pastor always leaves me with something to think about all during the week. I love our Sunday School class. We shouldn't belong there but we've been accepted as part of the group. That acceptance means a lot to us. We needed this particular group of people at this time in our life and are so thankful they were willing to allow "misfits" in their midst. I am loving having friends. I've always had friends but more on the surface level. I've been fortunate to gain a few that love me and embrace me just where I'm at. It's a great feeling.
I will always love my Hannah. She changed my life and it was for the good. I can spend hours writing what she meant to me and how she changed my life but I won't. Today, anyway. Today, I'll just type the lyrics to our favorite little song. It's sung to the tune of the old hymn, "I love My Savior". It goes like this...."I love my Hannah, she loves me too, I love my Hannah, in everything we do." That's the truth. I loved/love that girl completely. I love my Koolio. I would have never thought I'd love an animal so much. In so many ways he's a little part of Hannah that I still have with me. Koolio is an incredibly, smart, goofy dog that fits perfectly in this family. I'm so glad we have him. I love my boys and I'm so proud of the way they have handled Hannah's death. I know how much they loved their sister. I know that they miss her horribly. They could use this tragedy to justify any behavior they wanted to at this time but both are choosing to honor her memory by working hard to fulfill their dreams. I have some pretty awesome young men if you ask me.
I love my David. I married this man 20 years ago and there was no way to foresee the life we'd have together. It's not been an easy one. We've sacrificed much time together for the sake of making a living and taking care of Hannah. I can't even begin to tell you the sacrifices this man made for his little girl. Through the tragedy of Hannah's death I have clung to him like a life line. He has let me. If anyone can even come close to knowing how I feel, it is him. He loved our girl completely. Sometimes I'm unreasonable, I can't put what I'm feeling into words, I forget things, and I just meltdown out of the blue for no rhyme or reason. He hangs tough and when I'm able, I know I can search him out to talk about it or just be comforted. We've lost a child and for a lot of couples that's too much. I'm thankful for a committed husband who will do anything it takes to work through what we're going through. I look forward to our future together even in the midst of our tragedy. I know that I have a deeper love and appreciation for David than I ever did before. He is my knight and I am grateful for him.
Finally, I can't say that I love this person yet, but I want to. That person is myself and to say I even want to love myself is progress. I'm learning it's not selfish to love yourself after all. It's healthy and you can't love others to the best of your ability if you don't love yourself. So, I'm working to move in that direction. It's a very slow pace. Too many years of giving everything I have in me to others and having boundaries that need to be shifted, torn down, and resurrected. It's a journey y'all. Fun sometimes and others...not so much. I'm committed though.
I'm Learning
I crave knowledge. I will read just about anything, anytime, anywhere. I am extremely observant. Yep, I'm often called nosey. :) I love to learn. Having Hannah I was constantly learning something about her conditions. Ironically the only thing I did not find interesting about Hannah's conditions was that she had them. You would never wish or want your child to deal with the things my Hannah did. That being said, I found and still find the whole behavior and brain science world fascinating. Do you know that even the most damaged brain can still learn?(every blog posting has to have a rabbit trail right? :<) ) I really think I'm fortunate to love the one thing that we as humans can always do. You can never learn everything. There really aren't any "know it alls" in this world. Learning is a joy I'll have my entire lifetime. My experiences in this life have not always been enjoyable. That's kind of an understatement actually. I know pain all too well. Still, I think that having the ability to learn even in the hardest of times has been a blessing to me. I am grateful I love to learn.
In conclusion
This was a long introduction I realize. I just couldn't stop once I started. :) What a conclusion! LOL!
Hello God...It's me...Marcey
Your word says in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Thank you for calling me and for the promise that no matter what happens in this life you can and will make it GOOD. All my love, Marcey
No comments:
Post a Comment