I'm alive! Were you wondering? Man, life just keeps going, and it keeps throwing tough stuff my way. I swear sometimes I think I'm just destined for pain, but then something wonderful happens, or I meet someone who is dealing with tougher stuff than I am, and everything gets put back in perspective. Life is hard, but it's good.
In the month of January I experienced the one year anniversary of Hannah's death and all that went with that, the loss of my dad, joined a great church, started 12 hours of college, still work for Total Transition Services doing assessments, training, and job placements for disabled adults, and I still volunteer with CWJC(Christian women's job corp) as they need me, and do my life group on Thursday's as much as I can. Yep, I stay busy, and life keeps happening. Sometimes good...Sometimes tough...Always happening.
In the midst of all my busyness I do find time to feel sorry for myself unfortunately. I do not like feeling sorry for myself, and I do not like others feeling sorry for me. I think it's kind of a pride thing I guess. The fact of the matter is that I am in a state where feeling sorry for myself on occasion is o.k., and others being sorry for me is loving me. It's just so hard to embrace the ugliness of losing Hannah. She was beautiful inside and out, and she's waiting on me in heaven I know, still there is nothing less than tragic about the death of your child. Tragedy is ugly. Yesterday I sat in a congregation as we listened to our pastor bring the Word of God in the midst of great tragedy. He brought us God's word in the midst of the murder of his friend, the murder of a congregation's pastor, the murder of a husband, and son. To be honest I wasn't expecting much. What can you say in the midst of something so horrific? In the midst of so many questions. You speak God's word, that's what you do. He used the very words used by Jesus to comfort the disciples when they were troubled about his leaving them.
John 14 verses 1 - 6
1"(A)Do not let your heart be troubled; [a]believe in God, believe also in Me.
2"In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for (B)I go to prepare a place for you.
3"If I go and prepare a place for you, (C)I will come again and receive you to Myself, that (D)where I am, there you may be also.
4"And you know the way where I am going."
5(E)Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?"
6Jesus said to him, "I am (F)the way, and (G)the truth, and (H)the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.
It all struck a chord with me, but one comment he made continues to resound in my thoughts, "suffering is not a permanent state". Because of my belief in Jesus Christ I have a promise that my suffering will end. I also know that I will see my Hannah again. It's o.k. to feel sorry for myself sometimes. It's not a permanent state. I just love the way God's word is always relevant no matter what state you're in. Good times, it's relevant, bad times, it's relevant. Thank God for His Word! Please pray for Clint Dobson's family, the Northpointe congregation, Pastor Wiles, and the FBCA staff as they feel deeply the loss of their husband, son, pastor, and friend.
When I talk about my schedule it is often met with looks or words of concern. If you think I'm keeping busy so I won't feel, you may be right. It doesn't work though. There is no amount of activity that would numb the loss I feel. Still, I have always enjoyed staying busy. I love being around people and spending time working with them. I've always loved school and think that getting an education would give me the credibility I need to do what I want to do. I love helping parents with disabled or ill children. I enjoyed it even before I had Hannah. My work, volunteering with CWJC, and my groups are all something that feed me. I need them. I am also fortunate enough to have people in my life that will not allow me to take a path to destruction. They just won't let it happen, and I'm grateful. It's because people care that I am able to survive a parent's worse nightmare. Thank you!
Enough aboutt me and my stuff. The love of my life(that's David in case you didn't know LOL) joined the Arlington Goodtimes Chorus. We are anxiously awaiting his first performance. It's gonna be a blast! He also volunteered at a local blues radio station for a couple of weeks recently. He taught his first SS lesson in two years last Sunday, and did an awesome job. He's still working at Harwood in Dallas. Kyle is still dating Miss Leeann. He's currently in college and should be done with his basics in the Fall. He's also still working at Hobby Lobby. Zach is in his second semester as a junior at Arlington High. He'll be a senior next year. He's also helping out in the media ministry at church. Koolio is doing wonderful. He's spoiled rotten and beautiful as ever. He loves having a big yard to run around in. It's warmer so the squirrels are coming out. We are quite entertained watching him track every time we let him out. LOL!
Now, you know I'm still kicking. I am so thankful for all the support, love, and prayers that continue to come my way. I'm sincere when I say they keep me going. Thank you! I hope I didn't sound preachy or like I was minimizing the tragedy of murder in anything I said about the service on Sunday. I just felt led to share what the words meant to me personally. Please pray for those involved in that tragedy. I can't even imagine the pain and confusion. Thanks for loving me.
God Bless!
Marcey
Dear God....it's me...Marcey....thank you for your love, grace, and mercy. Thank you for your Word. Lord, I ask that you wrap all those hurting in your loving arms. Let them feel the security of being there. It's a place I rest often and I'm thankful for it. God, forgive me for trying to lean on my own understanding, and help me to realize and lean into your promise that all things work for good to those who love you. Grant us your peace Lord as we walk in this world. And God, can you catch my girl for a second cause I know she's running to and fro, wrap her in a bear hug, and give her a kiss on the forehead, and tell he it's from her mommy? All my love...Marcey
Marcey, that was beautiful. I'm going to share it with a friend who's in a lot of pain right now. She lost her baby boy a couple of days ago. I can't imagine her pain, but perhaps this post might help her just a little.
ReplyDeleteMarcey, this is beautiful! ...Though I'm certain the hole in your heart will not be completely filled until we're in the Father's presence, I can hear the healing that HAS happened in your words. You sound uplifted and I thank God for that. I pray he continues to heal your pain and use you to comfort those who have similar hurts. Thank you again for sharing your life with us.
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